moodmonster

It seems appropriate for World Suicide Prevention Day to attempt to write a brief version of "my story". Maybe practice for someday telling it to my "real-life" family and friends.

I often hesitate to share my tale of depression and suicide idealization because I never did attempt suicide. I feel like I don't belong to that club and don't have as much to share in the prevention of suicide. I discount my own memories of how bad I felt, as if because I didn't carry out any of my plans that means I wasn't "really" at risk.

I realize intellectually this is ridiculous. There could have been any different number of circumstances, luck, moments, flickers of brain chemicals... and things would have turned out differently for me. I often wonder - if my parents had been aggressive, back in the late 80s/early 90s, to treat my depression... I could have been put on a high level of anti-depressants: which later were shown to give kids just enough "umph" to follow through on their suicide plans. That could have been me. Especially since it was later realized I am bipolar - the highest at risk for anti-depressant induced suicide.

Having said all that...
 

The first experience with debilitating depression and daydreaming about suicide was around age 12/13. I was facing all those usual middle school, puberty, and dramas. The second, more severe depression was at age 16/17.

I definitely fell into that difficult category of "moody teenager"... walking that fine line between normal and so much more than "just sad" or just moody or just a teenage girl. But there were signs:
1. I stopped showering. I slept in my clothes so I could get out of bed at the last second. I went weeks without brushing my teeth. Sure teens can be lazy and sloppy, but I stopped caring for myself entirely.
2. I quit everything. Quit church group, quit drama, quit basketball... While every teen should feel free to try a new outlet, change their mind about who they are and how they spend their time, I quit everything all around the same time.
3. Smiling depression. Its a fairly recently coined phrase by pyschology. It means you wear a mask and appear to be "fine". Its a form of protection and fear for the sufferer. It makes getting past the mask and helping, all the more difficult. My conversations were stiffled, often with one-word answers or nodds. I did not engage in a conversation with enthusiasm or passion. I showed up, got straight As, and did what I had to do for my "job": My job was being a successful student who didn't cause Mom and Dad any trouble. Once my "job" was over at 4pm...I retreated. Sure, all teens like to spend time alone and avoid their parents for a little while, but I purposely drug myself to eat dinner "late" so I wouldn't have to talk. I purposely SLEPT everywhere - always using excuse of PMS or fatique... when you sleep you don't have to interact. I didn't run off to my room with a friend to hang out in my room; I snuck food and drinks into my room and spent hours in my closet...in mental torture.
4. I turned down almost all social invitations. If my participation was "expected" or pretty much forced by my parents, I did my time and showed up. But if a friend called up - lets go do this or that. I said no. No, I have homework. No, I want to watch the Oscars. No, I like reading alone with my cat. ALL these "excuses" are valid - when it happens once, few and far between. I ALWAYS had an excuse.
5. My reactions were delayed. People would say hello in the hall at school, I'd literaly either not see them or not realize they were there until a few feet past them. A teacher would call my name and I always had to ask for them to repeat the question (and I was a great student, always paying attention). If someone invited me somewhere, I'd stand there staring at them like a deer-in-headlights compeltely frozen in fear of how to answer (can I fake it that much longer today?) This is more than getting distracted by TV or something in a book; these are normal day-to-day interactions that were delayed to an abnormal degree.
6. Abscence of emotion. Depression and hopelessness is worse than sadness or anger or frustration... for it is the absence of ANY feeling at all. Numb. Pointless.  Joy on my birthday or excitement over a good grade or happiness that we won a game just did not exist for me. I'd smile - cause I was supposed to - but I wouldn't express even a fraction of the emotion one might expect.  Even when I won a coveted writing award, all I managed to say was: "I'm finally good at something." And then I retreated to my room and cried. Its a very tough line to walk for friends and parents.No one wants to be told "you're not acting like I expect you to act after winning a game".  When my niece had a birthday, I sat staring at the events - not interacting like their usual aunt/babysitter.

I am not a pyschologist or an expert. I wouldn't claim to understand the inner workings of every teen that has attempted, thought of suicide. This is my experience and my advice looking in hind-sight.

My advice:
1. Do not keep guns, large amounts of alchohol, pain meds, or other means of suicide in your home while your children are between ages 12 and 18. Sounds drastic, but the #1 reason children/teens usually suceed in a first-time suicide attempt is because the MEANS are ACCESSIBLE and can be used ... quickly without thought. I know I AM STILL ALIVE because the most "deadly" thing I could get my hands on was Tylenol and Motrin (for  cramps).
2. WATCH your teens a bit more like you did your toddler. Yes, they need their space. But know what they are DOING in their space. Drop by their room... did you "catch" them wallowing or are they dancing around singing to their favorite song. Did a 6 pack of coke and 2 boxes of cookies dissappear? Where'd they go? Sure she looks disheveled and unkempt, but is her shower-towel even damp? You assume he is sleeping in on Saturday morning, but is he? Is his room just messy or is he building a wall to keep you and everyone out? It is NOT EASY, but very little worthwhile is easy.
3. Spend the ages between 8-11 becoming a very trusted source of comfort, information and non-judgemental love. The ground work you can put in ahead of the "rough years" can really pay off when the child may find the courage to just blurt out: "I'm sadder than sad." or "I'm terrified of mysel." It's something that is impossible to measure or verify, but I know from my personal experience that I lacked someone 'paying attention' those early years and so I trusted NO ONE.
4. Talk about family secrets. If I had known by grandfather was an alchoholic, addicted to morphine and often suicidal - it wouldn't have condemned me to repeat it (as parents often fear) - it would have made me feel less alone and less of a freak. Well, if this random ancestor had this problem, then maybe it's not just "me" (meaning ALL my fault) and maybe someone in our famiy will understand how I feel. Don't bury the secrets. The only fester and breed new probems. Talk, talk. A talk about a cousin admitted to the hospital for an eating disorder can lead to open talks about mental health, mood disorders and that asking for help is not shameful.  
 

The number of resources on the internet regarding Suicide Prevention are plentiful. I hope you will take this time today on World Suicide Prevention Day to read a few links and learn... the education could save a life of someone you love or, perhaps, yourself. http://ncsponline.org/takefive.html